22: People who came up with the ‘postcard’ AT&T commercial, and then put Luke Wilson in it

December 10, 2009

God, I fucking hate the people who came up with the ‘postcard’ AT&T commercial, and then put Luke Wilson in it.

First off, Luke Wilson is getting fucking fat. Lay off the donuts, tubby. Look, I’m no Calvin Klein model, but I’m not famous, either. He’s also the only person in the world whose bottom half of his head is bigger than the top half. It’s like a goddamn pear, that thing.

Secondly – and much, much, worse – is the actual EXECUTION of the ad. Here are the 3 things that really, really, REALLY FUCKING PISS ME OFF ABOUT IT.

1: It’s a two-parter. You see the first part (below), and you say “Ok, whatever. That shit’s done with.” Then you get a car commercial or something, and – BAM! – part fucking 2. That’s just a load of crap.

2: I’m from Denver. I’m proud of it – it’s a good city, in a good state. But it gets NO respect (more on that in a future post). Now, if you’ll notice at the 0:18 mark above (by tipping your screen back), Lumpy Luke is standing roughly in the middle of Kansas. This puts him approximately due east of Denver by a little over 500 miles. But in the context of that floor map, it’s maybe six feet or so. YET HE HURLS THE THING LIKE RICKY FUCKING JAY TO SOMEWHERE NEAR NORTHERN CALIFORNIA. Are you fucking kidding me? Holy shit. All he had to do was turn to the right and basically lay the fucker down. EAT MY ASSHOLE AT&T.

3: This is probably the most egregious of them all. Here, in chronological fashion, is the list of cities that AT&T throws out to prove they have such phenomenal coverage, and their consequent rank in the list of the most populous incorporated places in the United States.

PART 1: Spokane, WA (104); Denver, CO (24); Evansville, IN (214); Chicago, IL (3); Lake City, FL; New York, NY (1); San Francisco, CA (12); Dallas, TX (8); Phoenix, AZ (5); Atlanta, GA (33).

PART 2: Akron, OH (97); Madison, WI (81); Honolulu, HI (49); Daytona Beach, FL; Tulsa, OK (46); Warren, MI (179); Bozeman, MT; Dover, DE; New Haven, CT; Seattle, WA (25); Albuquerque, NM (34); Kalamazoo, MI; Tempe, AZ (129).

They’ve got two of the top three, three of the top five, seven of the top 25 and nine of the top 34. And out of 23 cities, there’s a whopping six that aren’t in the most populous 215 cities in the country. Of those six, Daytona Beach ranks eighth out of Florida’s metropolitan areas with just under 500,000 people, New Haven is the second-most populous city in Connecticut, Dover is the second-most populous city in Delaware, and Kalamazoo is the largest city in southwestern Michigan with over 72,000 people. The only truly “small” town on the list would be Lake City, FL, and even that burg is the biggest part of its county.

So, from a Verizon customer: way to prove your point, AT&T. And that point is: Luke Wilson is getting fat, he doesn’t know where Denver is even when he’s almost standing right-on-fucking-top of it, and your coverage blows. Deal with it.