18: People who take fantasy sports way too seriously

August 13, 2009

God, I fucking hate people who take fantasy sports way too seriously.

My friend and coworker recently sent me an email the commissioner of his league sent out. Here is a sample.

I expect…nay, I demand that every single person who voted to veto this trade respond with reasons why. I’m not even kidding. This looks to me to be a clear case of collusion to block a competing team from improving, and I will not participate in a league in which this sort of behavior persists … I don’t think it’s out of line to say that the consideration that I have given everyone else thus far has not been [sic] [name redacted] and me, and I suspect that it has maliciously been denied from me.

Well, what was the trade, you ask?

As to this particular trade, I asked [name redacted] what he would want in return for [Hanley] Ramirez. He said A.) a top pitcher I can run out there every week, B) solid closer, and C) a good hitter to replace him. How have Wandy Rodriguez, Heath Bell, and Alexi Ramirez not filled these needs? In fact, this is a bit of over-paying on my part, as it’s parting with the two best members of my pitching staff and a solid contributor in four hitting categories. I negotiated with [name redacted] about an alternate in the swap, he stuck to his guns, and I decided after thought that it was worth the high pricetag.

Yes. Such a high price tag for ONE OF THE TWO BIGGEST FANTASY STUDS IN ALL OF BASEBALL, AND A PLAYER MANY GUYS WOULD CHOP THEIR DICKS OFF TO GET. Wait, I need to get a tissue. The tears … they are a comin’. Sureloserly, this man is a bastion of purity, a beacon of light in an otherwise dark and twisted world.

[Second name redacted] explained his action in the veto, but not a single other person has offered explanation. I am hard-pressed to come to any conclusion other than this league and the players in it are “integrity challenged.”

Hmm. He’s questioning other people’s integrity. This is interesting when you learn that this person streams his pitchers. What’s that? Basically, that’s when you drop and add pitchers constantly, picking up as many innings, wins, Ks, and saves as possible. Many leagues have settings that allow it, so some think it’s ok. Anybody with a brain, however, doesn’t. Why? Because “[s]treaming is seen as an easy way out of having to strategically play fantasy baseball and instead of analyzing matchups and proving you know your stuff. Streaming can allow any idiot to outshine the competition. Basically, anti-streamers claim that this strategy takes away the most important element of the game: fun.”

So, based on this information, isn’t it ODD that he would want to give up TWO WHOLE TOP PITCHERS to get arguably the biggest producer in fantasy baseball? Oh, it’s not? Since he likely would’ve dumped them to pick up other pitchers, anyway? Ok.

He goes on to call my friend a coward, and links to a bunch of ESPN fantasy articles that somehow prove his point. As if anything on ESPN.com has proved anything in the last 10 years other than “we can pay Rick Reilly $775,000 per word and nobody will bat a fucking eye.”

When my friend – who, by the way, had clawed his way back to the top of the league WITHOUT STREAMING HIS FUCKING PITCHERS – recently decided to give up on this fiasco and sit his team, he immediately got an email from this commissioner (who sits, IRONICALLY, in second place) noting the “suspicious” timing of his actions. He then gave my friend an ultimatum of a few days on whether or not to field a team, then IMMEDIATELY emailed another player in the league – the second name redacted, and my friend’s friend – and asked him whether or not my friend was going to play. THIS WAS 1 PM ON A GODDAMN TUESDAY.

So, my friend must be giving up a lot of money to quit this bullshit league, right?

Nope. It’s a free league.

A. FREE. FUCKING. LEAGUE. No money. None. Zero. Free. Like a summer breeze, and napkins at McDonald’s. A FREE FUCKING FANTASY LEAGUE.

Hey, cuntbucket. Here’s some tips: stop fucking cheating, stop trying to wield a tin fist over a bunch of people who are just trying to kill some time and connect with some buddies who live far away, and remove that gigantic, prickly, self-important stick from your puckered little unvirginized asshole.

Oh, and take a long walk off a short pier. With rocks in your pockets. If your parents are anything like you, they’ll just pluck a replacement son off the waiver wire. Actually, I think your parents once tried to trade you for the Menendez brothers. My friend vetoed that trade, too. Why?

He didn’t want your family to get better.