19: People who show up minutes before a big movie starts, on its opening night, and expect to find two or more seats together

August 24, 2009

God, I fucking hate people who show up minutes before a big movie starts, on its opening night, and expect to find two or more seats together.

No, there’s not two seats down at the end of this aisle. Yes, I am saving that seat for someone; you can tell because there’s a goddamn purse on it, and I’m a big fucking man with facial hair and a dick.

Now, this only applies to highly anticipated movies in bigger/large cities where there’s a 99.999999% chance the fucking thing sold out a few hours before it starts. The latest, and the inspiration for this post? A 9:30 pm showing of Inglourious Basterds at Union Square, one of the busier theaters in New York. On its opening night, a Friday.

And this isn’t meant for the people who show up 45 minutes early, only to find themselves stuck at the very back of that line outside the theater doors. No, those poor bastards are off the hook for now. I’m talking about the people who obviously didn’t come in at the tail end of that line, who waltz in seconds before the first preview trailer and walk around muttering to themselves “I can’t believe it’s so packed. Over there, are those two?”

NO GODDAMMIT, THOSE AREN’T TWO. IT’S ONE AND A SEAT SAVED FOR SOMEBODY BUYING POPCORN OR TAKING A PISS, SOMEBODY THAT GOT THEIR SHIT INTO THE THEATER ON FUCKING TIME.

What I don’t understand is that if these people theoretically were able to get their tickets hours ahead of time, why can’t they get there earlier so they don’t have to hunt in the dark for seats? Was that overpriced whisky at Union Bar really fucking worth it? Is your life that fucking hectic and exciting? No, it’s not.

And God forbid if you make me get up to go to the end of my aisle only to get halfway there, realize one of the seats is saved or unavailable, and then make me get up again. I’m 6’5″ and movie theaters are one of the MANY places I don’t fucking fit. Not only do I have to worry about you stepping on my bag that won’t fit under these goddamn seats, I’ve got to worry about you knocking my 124 oz. drink out of the arm rest’s cupholder.

Here’s a new policy: one more row of seats at the very base of the screen, tilted back. Anybody that pulls this shit gets to lean back and break their neck.

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