5: People who don’t say “thank you” when someone opens a door for them

November 13, 2008

God, I fucking hate people who don’t say “thank you” when someone opens a door for them. THANK. YOU. That took .2 seconds to type, and I was holding the ‘Shift’ key the whole goddamn time. Imagine how fucking easy it is just to say it.

The people at my company’s building are notorious for this shit. First off, the door is fucking glass. I can see the six of you shit-slurping zombies that just got off the elevator, jabbering on about the meeting with Nike or the empanadas you’re going to order at lunch or the new fucking curtains you’re going to buy. Whatever. We’re separated by this inch-thick glass, I don’t know you, I can’t hear you, but holy Jesus how I want to rip out your spine through your earhole and beat you to bloody fucking death with it.

Anyway, my point is, I can see you. And I’ve ascertained, in the blindingly blunt and brief amount of time that I’ve seen you, that it will be far easier for me, one person, to open the door for all of you and let you pass than it is for me to barge in and proceed to swim through the jumbled and murky ocean of dumb that is your group, like some self-indulgent prick who’s in a hurry to get to the mindless job that doesn’t pay him near enough.

So I do. Why? BECAUSE I’M A DECENT HUMAN BEING, YOU MISERABLE WASTES OF FUCKING SPERM. There’s six of you sodomizing shit-bags and not one of you can muster enough breath to spit out two measly syllables? Is that where we stand? And then, while you’re not thanking me, you can’t even look at me and give a slight head nod? So slight twitches and movements of your neck and ocular muscles are now taboo, too? No offense to doormen everywhere, who are great at their jobs, but I AM NOT THE FUCKING DOORMAN. Am I wearing a maroon suit with matching hat? No, I am not. I am wearing shit like you because I am like you, e.g., not an employee of this goddamn building, you cardboard toilet paper tube-fucking miscreant.

Next time I’m going to trip one of you and I hope to the heavens above you take a big bite of pavement, and I hope your fucking dentist is scuba diving or sipping Mai Tais in Puerto Vallarta and you suffer excruciating pain, deplorable disfigurement, and a sharp, stinging sensation when drinking cold beverages or eating ice cream.

That, or I could just slam the door in your face. Fucking pricks.

You’re welcome, assholes.