11: The people who coerced John Turturro into doing Heineken ads

January 21, 2009

God, I fucking hate the people who coerced John Turturro into doing Heineken ads.

“He who wanders with purpose has no purpose to wander.”

How very Confucius-like (or cheap fortune cookie-like, I can’t tell).

This is John Goddamn Turturro!

Barton Fink! Bernie Bernbaum! “Nobody fucks with the Jesus”! Pino! Herbie Stempel!

My father is almost 60 and he’s seen probably a dozen movies in his life. Roger Ebert, he’s not. But his favorite movie of all – which he never fails to remind me, even though I’ve seen it with him and he’s reminded me 100 times – is Box of Moonlight, starring Sam Rockwell and … John Turturro!

And you’re going to ruin that by making him shill European swill? While spouting existential bullshit, nonetheless?

Bastards.

Dirty, rotten, low-life bastards.

Fuck your fucking overpriced, inbred Budweiser wannabe. I may have bought one of your personal kegs a few weeks ago for the football games, but you know what? I didn’t stay around to finish it.

I can’t say anything worse than that.