13a: People who put children old enough to walk in strollers

God, I fucking hate people who put children old enough to walk in strollers.

Have you seen these people? They squeeze overweight five-year-olds into fold-up strollers from 1987. Arms spilling out over the side, feet clad in dirty velcro shoes, these children look like little human sardines. I wonder where these parents got the shoehorns big enough to stuff their offspring into little mobile pushcarts, because they’re either A) too lazy to walk with them, B) too lazy to carry them if necessary, or C) too lazy to give a shit either way.

Listen, if your kid’s three or older, let the little bastards walk. It’s called exercise. Allow them get used to it. Might not be a bad thing.

Do you just want somewhere to put your drink? Do you like being a pain in the ass on public transportation? Do you take pride in humiliating your child? Well, congratulations. You’ve succeeded. You’re an awful parent.

And your kid’s going to grow up to be a serial killer.

• This is obviously only regarding kids of able mind and body.

13: People who hold their toddler’s hand while walking slowly up or down crowded stairs

God, I fucking hate people who hold their toddler’s hand while walking slowly up or down crowded stairs.

I HAVE SOMEWHERE TO BE.

I have a bad back. It’s not the worst, but it’s not the best. I’ve had it cut open and a thing was removed. So I’ve got a legitimate gripe. But I would have to assume that you fucking people have the wherewithal, intelligence, and strength to carry a 30-lb kid up or down a few flights of fucking stairs.

I CAN HEAR THE SUBWAY COMING AND I AM LATE FOR WORK.

There weren’t any steps at the park, or your fucking apartment, or somewhere people don’t go, like the library? You couldn’t have picked somewhere a little less populated for this special moment? Look, the kid’s not even happy. They’re not smiling. You know what they’re thinking? “God, this shit is hard. Look how steep that is! I can’t count, but if I could, I doubt I’d be good enough at it to count all those fucking steps. Why the fuck won’t this bitch pick me up? Piiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiick meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuup!!!”

Some people just shouldn’t procreate. More on that later.