11: The people who coerced John Turturro into doing Heineken ads

God, I fucking hate the people who coerced John Turturro into doing Heineken ads.

“He who wanders with purpose has no purpose to wander.”

How very Confucius-like (or cheap fortune cookie-like, I can’t tell).

This is John Goddamn Turturro!

Barton Fink! Bernie Bernbaum! “Nobody fucks with the Jesus”! Pino! Herbie Stempel!

My father is almost 60 and he’s seen probably a dozen movies in his life. Roger Ebert, he’s not. But his favorite movie of all – which he never fails to remind me, even though I’ve seen it with him and he’s reminded me 100 times – is Box of Moonlight, starring Sam Rockwell and … John Turturro!

And you’re going to ruin that by making him shill European swill? While spouting existential bullshit, nonetheless?


Dirty, rotten, low-life bastards.

Fuck your fucking overpriced, inbred Budweiser wannabe. I may have bought one of your personal kegs a few weeks ago for the football games, but you know what? I didn’t stay around to finish it.

I can’t say anything worse than that.


4 Responses to 11: The people who coerced John Turturro into doing Heineken ads

  1. TEDDRICK says:

    did your dad see transformers? or transformers 2

  2. sluze says:

    Umm … no. I agree, he was over-the-top in that, and he’s been in some Adam Sandler trash (Mr. Deeds, Zohan, etc.) but the point is, John Turturro’s fucking cool, and seeing him in a Heineken ad was … disappointing.

    Also, how have you seen Transformers 2? That’s not out until this summer.

  3. Mike says:

    2 Things:
    1. I saw Box of Moonlight and I have no idea why that’s your father’s favorite movie, BUT I have no real problem with that, as far as I’m concerned ‘to each his own’.
    2. I went to a focus group for Hieneken, they went on and on and on about John Turturro, asked a million questions about his character, his movie rolls, his personal life etc. They wanted to know everything that the common man knew about Johnny T.
    My entire group, literally everyone of us, were in 100% agreement. “OTHER THAN THE PAYDAY, WHICH I CAN ONLY HOPE HE DOESN’T NEED, WHAT THE FUCK IS JOHN TURTURRO DOING THIS FOR?”

    *The head of the focus group confessed to us that the people at Hieneken were trying to class up their beer. Whoever made the asinine decision to induct John Turturro as the spokesperson for that green dutch bullshit should be standing on a bread line right now. John Turturro adds a classiness to beer like I add a classiness to the face of domestic abuse.

  4. Leo Gordoni says:

    Coerced? John Turturro is a big boy. The decision to appear in these commercials was his own. If you want to blame someone for being an asshole, blame HIM.

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